I remember what it felt like when my blackberry would alert me that I had a message waiting from you. My heart would flutter, a smile would spread across my face and right before I opened the message I’d find myself wondering if what you had written would be one for the romance books or one that I couldn’t wait to share with my best friend.
“Hey, I’m bored…do you wanna make out?” yeah, I know what you all are thinking but, at the time I somehow found that question to be borderline innocent yet semi-sweet. It allowed for flirtatious banter to be exchanged which in its own time led to late night calls, long distance dates and after a few months I’d find myself standing in his kitchen preparing us dinner. And while placing our food on our plates he turned me to face him & asked me to be his girlfriend. I, of course said yes and at that moment I reached for my camera wanting to capture the moment so it was never forgotten and as the flash went off he quickly leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.
Innocent, yet sweet.
The newness thrived for quite sometime, I fell in love with the person who was a bit quirky, who had the same fashion sense as his teenage sons, who had the patience of a saint while teaching me how to play tennis, who put 110% into his job and focused on making his dreams come true.
As months turned into a year I just couldn’t shake that feeling that something just didn’t jive. Something was off. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. It is then that I turned to a higher power for answers.
“Open my eyes to the truth.” I said outloud. Within days, his locked drawer was left unlocked and waiting to be discovered were his hidden secrets and days later I saw a message he had sent to someone online, “I’m bored. Do you want to make out?”
He made excuses for his behavior and I made excuses to why I believed him.
By this time we were living together so I worked harder for him to see my worth. Silly I know. I even thought proposing to him would be the answer to end all the chaos. In the end, nothing I did could distract him from the many temptations that laid in front of him, the only thing left for me to do was, leave.
Months went by and we tried to reconcile our friendship. He asked for my forgiveness and I kindly gave it to him. Everyone needs a second chance right? Friends. That’s what we were attempting to become.
As years went on he stayed single and I found myself in another relationship. From time to time we’d catch up and he’d let it slip that he missed me. We had too much history to go back. To redo those years. I, just wanted to be friends. He did friends well with others; so there was hope.
There was a time in between wasbands that I reached out to him. I needed him almost like a child needed their special blanket. Just for one day I wanted to go back in time when our life was simple. Where all the secrets were still hidden and innocent/semi-sweet still existed. Just a couple of hours I whispered to spirit. Just a couple of hours to feel safe. Just a couple hours to step away from the chaos and feel like me again. Just a couple of hours just to be friends. The line was set and respected.
As time went on we’d find ourselves catching up over social media, ya know like friends do but in our case it would always turn out to be a remembrance of our Once Upon a Time. But this time, this time was different. I didn’t want to entertain the walk down memory lane because TIME was now filled with memories of other hurts, other heart breaks. If he loved me as he claimed to, why didn’t he fight for me, for us? So I did, what I knew best. I created waves to keep him from even entering my well protected heart.
“I’m going to marry you one day. I’m going to be your 4th. I know you don’t like it when I say this, but I know you’re my soul mate. You just need to see that I’ve changed.”
His words were met with nervous laughter. I wasn’t in a place to believe; but deep down I wanted to, I wasn’t in a place to trust; but part me wanted to. I wasn’t in a place to love or entertain the idea. Deep down, I was okay with that, it was safer.
“I still have the picture of us up on the fridge.” It was that picture that I took of us that captured that moment of the start of our story. He told me that certain things were still the way that I had left them almost ten years prior. My mind shouted don’t believe him. My heart wanted to know what his motive was as, “You’re my soul mate.” kept replaying in my head.
I’ve had my fair share of “soul mates”, It’s the twinflame that I’m waiting for. My heart told my brain.
It wasn’t until weeks later that I discovered that he was in a pretty steady relationship. I no longer stayed silent. I met his semi-sweet message with, “I don’t think your girlfriend would approve.” He had excuses for his behavior but I no longer made excuses for his. He wanted me to see that he changed, that he wasn’t the same person as he once was but……he was. He was just a decade older and a little bit more creative with his lines.
I wasn’t broken-hearted, my heart wasn’t crushed. He didn’t get that far in. I was more angry that he wanted me to believe in him, believe in his words. To trust in the walk down memory lane. All the while entertaining another. It was, the same song and dance…..just a different time. This time, I just wore more armor.
A year has passed since then and just like clock work he reappeared.
“It’s just like that fucking movie, Ground hogs day.” I said out loud.
“You need to approach this differently. Less in your face. Less abrasive. Remember what we’ve taught you.” Is what I heard from spirit. “Meet it with love, not hate. With understanding, not anger. It’s not always important to know the why so much as just quieting the mind and just being present in the moment.”
BUT, I don’t understand, why is it important for him to know that I’m not angry with him. It’s been YEARS.
Jolene, but are you still angry with him?
It shouldn’t matter. I’m no one special to him. I’m just a girl from his past.
But are you angry with him?
Not anymore. I’ve forgiven him. I don’t have any place for anger inside my heart. He just shouldn’t have said what he said all the while entertaining another. He knew that loyalty and trust were an issue but he, as a friend played with it. I want to know what his motive is now for reaching out.
Not everyone has a motive. People can change. You have.
I hate when spirit is right, I can sense him standing in front of me with a little knowing smirk on his face.
But my guide is right, I need to meet this with love not anger. Understanding not doubt.