I don’t think I’m cut out for this

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After much thought and maybe one too many vodka cranberries, I decided a couple of weeks ago that it might be time to venture out into the dating world. Just entertaining the idea of possibly talking to a man excited my friends, I mean they were seriously starting to get concerned for my “petunia” and the talk of cobwebs and becoming  revirginized seemed to be the running joke …… so, I stopped stalling and  agreed to  meet up with someone earlier this week for coffee at our local bookstore.

For myself, this was a huge step. A year ago, I would have laughed if someone told me that I would entertain the thought of meeting someone. I was set on living a solitary life and to be honest with you all, I still am…I don’t long to be with someone, my heart doesn’t ache to be loved by a man,  I’m not lonely by any means and my “petunia” has come to realize that if I’m happy, she’s happy.

Days leading up to the date my nerves were all over the place. I was experiencing all those predate jitters that one who hasn’t been on a date in a zillion years would feel,  so to take my mind off of things I hit the gym, got my nails done and shopped for the perfect bookstore/coffee date outfit. For the first time in years, I was actually excited to meet someone and although I didn’t have any expectations for the date I was actually looking forward to meeting this man and THAT in and of itself was a big deal. It meant that I was ready to take a chance at whatever the universe had in store.

ANNNND well,  that was to throw me a little curve ball about an hour from our set meeting time.

He cancelled. By text.

I stood in the kitchen in disbelief. I wasn’t upset about the reason behind the cancellation, granted it wasn’t an emergency by any means. I was just bothered by the fact that he opted for the easy non confrontational route to cancel by texting me.

“He just cancelled.” I said to my daughter as I headed into my bedroom to change back into my yoga pants and oversized t-shirt. I seriously couldn’t believe this shit. I put too much time and energy into getting ready for this and for what?

“Mom, let it out, I know your pissed, I can see you holding back, just let it out…and please don’t text him right now. Just wait until you are a little less upset. ” she pleaded. She knows me all too well.

“I flippin bought teeth whitener for christ sake, had tips put on my nails so they could look pretty and I left work early today just so I didn’t have to rush for this date. Screw this, I’m not cut out for this.”

She could see the tears welling up in my eyes. Now, these weren’t sad tears…..these were frustrated, pissed off tears. Tears that spoke disappointment, tears that screamed “this is why I don’t take chances.”, tears that shouted, “retreat back behind that wall you built.”

“This is why I didn’t want to wear mascara.” I said to her while fighting hard to hold back the tears. She looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Mom, please don’t close yourself off, I can see you doing it already. You have come so far with allowing yourself to open your heart up to all possibilities. Let’s get out of here and go eat, plus you need a drink.”

She was right. About everything.

Later that night when all was quiet, I really gave some thought about what had transpired. I remembered the request that I put out to Spirit earlier that day while deep in meditation.

“If meeting this man tonight will serve my heart in a positive way please allow the evening to flow smoothly. If meeting him won’t serve my heart in the way I deserve then let him cancel.”

An hour and a half later I received his text stating he had to cancel our date.

Spirit/Universe always has a way of having my back and I’m grateful. I’ve also realized that the universe has a way of placing me in the right place at the right time and for some reason I wasn’t meant to meet this guy that night. Instead, my daughter and I enjoyed a nice dinner at a local steak restaurant where we had the best waitress on the planet, she made us laugh like we have never laughed before.

Seriously, after the week that we had we needed these couple of hours of just laughing and I made sure that the waitress knew what a blessing she was to us that night before we left.

As far as any future dates with coffee guy, I’m sorry to report that we haven’t set anything up. I don’t harbor any bad feelings towards him at all, things happen and I understand that. We still text from time to time so, we’ll see where this goes. I’m still hopeful plus….. he’s actually a very sweet guy, I have a feeling he’s one of the good guys.

But if there comes a day that I agree to meet up with someone I don’t think I will put so much effort into making sure that I look just right and I sure as hell won’t arrange to meet someone during the week. I’m a creature of habit, I have my routine during the week that I like to keep. I can’t be throwing anxiety into the mix……it just messes me all up. Again, the dating scene is fairly new to me, I haven’t ventured out into the dating world for 5 to 6 years. So I just hope that whoever is brave enough to ask me out for coffee is understanding of this and will just look past the yoga pants, oversized t-shirt and shy awkward silence……..ohhhh and my curves. He will have to love some curves because I have them and I love them or rather, I’m learning to love them.

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