Keeping it real : Do this, not that.

KITR

Color Key: Jolene | Harlow

This past year has been an emotional and spiritual journey for both Jolene and I. I, being married for many, many years, and Jolene being recently divorced. We’ve cried, we’ve cursed, we’ve wanted to give up, we’ve…grown.

Where in the past we would shout and or, in Jolene’s case, castrate someone, now we, well…that’s what this post is about.  What to do when you want to cut someone’s dick off.

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When an ex reaches out and tries to “come back into your life.”

🙂 DO: Ask him how he’s been, tell him you miss him as well, but remind him that you don’t think it’s a good idea for you two to continue talking.

** Harlow, you seriously would tell him that you miss him? What if you don’t miss him? In my opinion, telling an ex that you miss them may give him the wrong idea.

 I’m trying to be nice woman! I can’t help it you get to be the “mean one” in this post. Hehe. Seriously, really depends on the ex.  Was there ever closure?  Do you think about him?

😦 DON’T:  Walk down memory lane. It might seem innocent at first but not too soon after this little walk down memory lane you both will start remembering the not so good parts of your relationship or one will remember something that you totally forgot, leaving someone feeling hurt or down right mad.

I remember feeling like a complete idiot because I didn’t remember the first kiss or first date of someone I had dated over twenty years ago. He said, “Since you have blackouts all the time and can’t remember anything about our past then I’m fucking done with you.”   Apparently, I need to start journaling more so this doesn’t happen ever again.  In my defense I HAVE memories of our time spent together but I guess the first kiss and first date wasn’t one that was all that memorable. 

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When your significant other says you are getting fat.

🙂 DO: Remind him that you’re not as young as you were when you first met and comfort  him by telling him that you will start going to the gym next week. 

**Comfort him? He’s an adult. He doesn’t need comforting. Instead, what he could do is join you at the gym ….most likely he’s not as tone as he once was either. 

😦 DON’T: Flip him off or make a snide comment about his every growing beer belly and the fact that you can lose the weight but he’ll always have a gherkin size penis. And whatever you do, just DON’T dive into the double chocolate cake that you made for your child’s birthday, reach for a carrot instead.

This reminds me of a joke…

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your butt is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!” Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks. She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

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When you catch your man talking to another girl online.

🙂 DO: Bring it to his attention that you don’t think it’s a good idea and “could” lead to other things.  He’s human, forgive him. Reach out to her asking her nicely to back off of your man.

**I’m still new at this whole “forgiving” concept. Harlow you’re a much stronger person than I am. I’m supposed to be the NICE one! You know me,  I’d go all spy slut on his ass.

😦 DON’T:  Call the woman he’s “talking” to a whore and seek revenge. Women LOVE to go straight for the other woman. Remember, it was your man who sought her out plus you have no idea what story he told her. He could be painting you as some horrible, neglectful spouse or he could be stating he’s single. So check your man first. I agree.  First off make sure the fault doesn’t lie close to home.

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When he comes home late and drunk.

🙂 DO: Tuck him in bed but tell him that we WILL be talking about this in the morning.

**He’s not six, he can tuck his own ass in bed, if he can locate it. Again, you’re too flipping nice. That’s probably why YOU’RE still married and I’ve been divorced 3 times. You’re compassionate and tolerate crap……..but I’d put a glass of water on the night stand and a bucket near the bed if that’s any consolation. Oh.. I forgot to add the part where you beat him with a bar of soap wrapped in a tube soak didn’t I?

😦 DON’T:  Start a fight. He won’t remember it anyways. Plus, a drunken mans words are a sober mans thoughts. LOVE this quote.

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When a random guy sends you a UDP (Unsolicited Dick Pic).

🙂 DO: Politely find a picture of a larger, much prettier dick and send back to the perpetrator and kindly reply: “mine’s bigger.” Then delete and block.

**Are penises pretty? I don’t think I’ve ever been so in awe of a pretty penis that it left that type of impression on me. Some are.. we need to get you out more.

😦 DON’T: Upload it to social media or  send the UDP to the guys wife, girlfriend, grandma etc. HAHAHAHA ok you win!

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When your EX sends you a UDP (Unsolicited Dick Pic).

🙂 DO: Well, I would hope that you block and ignore, but if you must engage just tell him in kind words that it didn’t do it for you then why would it do it now.

😦 DON’T: Like I mentioned earlier, don’t send it to his current wife/girlfriend. Sure, the “old” Jolene would totally do this but what would be the point? revenge? 

But seriously, I don’t understand the mindset behind the dick pics. It’s not like we instantly get wet at the sight of it. No, what we DO is critique it. We send it to our girlfriends to critique it as well and 9 times out of ten those critiques aren’t good. So men, if you’re sensitive about your package, like most men are…….then just keep your junk to yourself. I hear you.  I mean come on men!  If we ask for them of course send your junk but nine times out of ten it’s safe to say we DON”T care to see them. 

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When your significant other says him and his “ex” are just friends.

🙂 DO: Give him the benefit of the doubt, all the while, going into spy slut mode (i.e. GPS tracker on his car, keystroke program on his computer, read his texts and PMs if you can) You get the idea. 😉

😦 DON’T:  Buy his bullshit stories. Sorry. Just don’t. I’d totally still go into super spy slut mode. Hell, I’ve done it and I’m glad I did. I found many emails, text messages and pictures of the “ex”  on his phone.  Trust me, keep the evidence in a nice place…ya never know when it might come in handy, aka. Divorce court.

I agree as a married woman it’s always a good idea to have all of your ducks in a row.  A.k.a… DOCUMENT THE FUCK out of EVERYTHING.

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When your significant other wants oral but refuses to please you.

🙂 DO: Give him the BJ of his life until he goes to bed then grab BOB to finish you off.

😦 DON’T: Hold out until he decides to go down yonder. If you put your mouth and vagina on strike he will just find another mouth (male or female) to please him until you do.

So, pick your battles wisely. OR bonus…69… just saying lol. 

**Ya know Harlow, I don’t know about the whole sixty niner idea….it’s good in theory but I don’t know about you, but some of the men I’ve been with end up wanting the ass attended to while they are in THAT position. It amuses me how they will slowly move their ass near my face thinking I will just have at it. UHMMMM,  I’m sorry I draw the line at the anal region. Sorry, you can move your ass away from my face. 

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When your significant refuses to eat a meal you spent all day preparing.

🙂 DO: Offer to make him something else and save the leftovers for later.

😦 DON’T: Cater to his whim….if he’s being a  big ass baby and doesn’t like the gourmet meal you made hand him the loaf of bread and the jar of peanut butter and Jelly and tell him to go at it.  BUT, if you happened to forget that he has some allergy to some ingredient that is in the meal then apologize and make him something else. 

Happy Thursday!!! 

Till, Next time ……

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