So you guys are in for a real treat! Harlow and I received our first Keeping it Real advice question.
Dear Harlow & Jolene,
I love your Keeping it Real posts so I thought maybe you could help me with a situation. I’ve been married to my husband for over twenty yrs & I don’t love him.. I actually can’t stand being around him. Maybe that’s a bit harsh but it’s the truth. I find his lack of career a turn off, at first when we were in college together I found his passion for the arts refreshing but I had hope it was a phase and that his silly obsession for it would fall to the wayside and get a real job. Now seventeen years later his lack of achievement is more of an embarrassment ……..lets not even discuss his “side” jobs. I will say this, he is a good father to our children.
What he doesn’t know is that I have been having an affair with a colleague of mine. It started way before I even found out that he stumbled into a relationship with some girl he met online. Out of boredom, I assume. I admit I’ve loved every single minute of making him feel like a piece of shit holding his flirtatious behavior with some random chick over his head, but I never stopped my relationship with Peter. I’m a bitch I know. It’s too much fun.
Peter is everything my husband is not; he’s driven, handsome and successful. The problem is I would leave my husband in two seconds if I didn’t know that my life that I have grown accustomed to would seize. Meaning…my long nights at the “office” would be cut short because of the children’s schedules and then having to learn to cook. Life would be extremely chaotic. I’m not sure I’m ready for that.
Chaos In The Twin Cities
Dear Chaos In The Twin Cities,
Gaaahhh Harlow here. I’m going to give bad advice and I know it BUT I know what this feels like so here goes.
Safe. We all tend to gravitate towards things that are safe as we get older. Wake up, make coffee, go to work, home, kids, repeat. Our mundane realities is all we know and it’s safe.
My advice is to follow your intuition. That little voice in the back of your mind. It knows you and knows what’s best for you. Leaving everything you have grown accustomed to in hopes of a happier life would depend on you. Does Peter make you happy or the idea of freedom? Do you love him and does he love you? Ok, let’s take Peter completely out of the equation. Let’s say you leave, from the way you talk your kids are old enough to fend somewhat for themselves, and move or keep the house. You say your husband is a wonderful father so I have very little doubt that we would not be there to still help with the children. You would become adjusted, life would move on.
So now let’s say you stay. Your husband continues to do his online girlfriend and you continue to have a relationship with Peter. I see two things happening here. One. Either yours or his lovers are going to want more. Two. Either your husband or yourself will want more.
I’m gathering that you haven’t been with Peter long so I would leave him completely out of your decision. IF you think leaving your husband is the best choice do it for YOU not for Peter, not for the kids. YOU. Don’t run from one man’s arms into another even if you continue to have a relationship with Peter.
Now, from a “girl you need to get your shit together” standpoint, start documenting EVERYTHING. Hell, put a GPS tracker on his car if you have to. Get dirt and keep it so when it explodes, and trust me if you continue down this path it will, you have your shit together. Get all of your financial documents in order, stash some money aside, or get a separate credit card just for emergencies. The smart woman is never unprepared.
You’re not happy. Is it your husband’s fault or yours? Do you love yourself? Do you take time for yourself? This could be reading, a long bath, working out. You MUST make time for yourself. This very thing happened to me. I was so busy laying blame on everyone else that I realized my unhappiness was coming from me. Don’t get me wrong. My relationships are far from healthy but after I stared loving myself they ALL benefited.
Jolene is pushing me out of the way. Ho, do you seriously think giving advice about this subject is a good idea? I can hear you now. Castrate them! Castrate them all! Take all his money and live happily ever fucking after. Hehe, you love me. ❤
I’m glad you went first. You’re such the level-headed one who weighs everything out first before going for the juggler. Chaos, you came to us for one reason …. you knew we’d keep it real and that we wouldn’t sugar coat our advice while handing you a coloring book, crayons and telling you that everything is going to be alright.
Girl, you need to make a decision. Maybe not this minute but sometime soon. If you don’t love your husband and you’re staying just because it’s easier for you to get it on with Peter because in your eyes your husband is the live in babysitter/cook then just leave. Stop making your husband your bitch and making him feel bad for his past indiscretions when you are in fact being pillaged by Peter’s pecker prior to coming home from a long “hard” day at work.
You clearly don’t love your husband as you stated above so why continue to stay? Sure, divorce is a pain in the ass but if you have tried everything to spice up your marriage or gone to counseling but that still hasn’t worked then just give up the charade. But I do agree with Harlow, many people hate to give up what has become their “norm”, why wake the sleeping bear, right? Shit, you have your husband right where you want him…..his balls tightly in a vice while you proudly sit on your throne while plotting out when you will sneak away to be with Peter once again. It can’t feel good right? maybe at first…..at first there was some vindication but doesn’t your heart want some finality? but in the end you really need to do some good old soul-searching. What is it that you want? What is it that you deserve? and if you love Peter than let your husband go.
Chaos, I hope we helped or at least gave you some clear-cut advice that maybe your friends haven’t really given you. Again, we are here just keeping it real!
If anyone has a question that you would like for us to discuss feel free to click on the tab above. Your name will never be disclosed.