Stop holding one another hostage

I don’t love him, but I don’t want him to find happiness.

I don’t love her, but I don’t want anyone else to have her.

I don’t love him, but I don’t want to be alone; so I will just cheat until I can find someone to take his place.

I don’t love her, but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

I don’t love him, but he’s a good provider.

I don’t love her anymore, but we have been together for twenty years.

I don’t love him.

I don’t love her.

We have kids.

We have pets.

We have a home.

There’s a common trend in posts that I have been reading lately. I’ve noticed more and more people writing about how miserable they are in their relationships but they feel obligated to stay due to the years they have spent together or “years served” in the marriage/relationship. First off, your relationship should not be looked at as a life sentence unless you are flipping miserable, and if that’s the case then I understand. Been THERE!

What baffles me is how people become stuck in a very selfish cycle which is only preventing them from meeting their true other half, the love of their life. Staying in a relationship (or marriage) because you want to make the other person suffer is just hurting YOU. So while you think you are teaching him/her a lesson for whatever mistake they may have made or you just want to make him/her feel just as miserable as you do because “if your unhappy by god he/she should be too.” Trust me, I’ve been there too….but in the grand scheme of things, it’s very childish. 

But I stand behind my vows

That’s all good and well, but do you really stand behind them? Your vows to love each other in sickness and health, for the good times and bad seem doable at the time of the I do’s, but it seems that many people have a very fine print tacked onto those vows only to which are visible to them. Conditions that seem to change upon the mindset of spouse when things just don’t go their way. 

Your vows didn’t matter when you gambled away your families savings.

Your vows didn’t matter when you slapped your spouse for talking back to you.

Your vows didn’t matter on the night that you decided to sleep with two blondes during your “boys trip” to Vegas. 

Your vows didn’t matter on the day that your husband was suffering from a heart attack and your work was more important then rushing to his side. 

So tell me, why are you using your vows as an excuse now?

We have children and if we part it will destroy them.

First off, that’s a bit dramatic don’t you think? Yes, your kids will be upset but wouldn’t you rather have them witness a healthy, stable, LOVING home life rather than the one that they are currently living in? Don’t sell those little minds short, your children see everything. From the lack of emotion, the snide comments, the lack of affection and trust me, they sure as hell can read between the lines.

Think for a minute how life could possibly be a couple years down the road. When the dust finally settles and you both of you are living separate lives with other people. 9 times out of ten your children will have bounced back and they are now living in a healthy home environment with loving parents. When they see their parents happy, they will be happy. 

But, here’s the thing…..leave your animosity and judgment to yourself. You may not like your ex’s new partner but as long as the kids are cared for and loved than leave it well alone. Don’t project your negative feelings onto your children. Be an adult. Don’t make waves. Remember be positive role models for your children.

People will talk. I couldn’t do that to my parents. 

You couldn’t do what to your parents? stay married to someone who you can’t stand? Your parents aren’t living your life nor are they spending day in and day out with the person who doesn’t love or respect you. 

People will talk. People always have some sort of opinion. People will judge. It’s what they do…..but I have a solution. 

Tell them to fuck off or just let it go in one ear and out the other. Shit, you probably have tons of practice doing that now with your partner. 

I don’t know, I’ve already put in fifteen years. I owe it to her/him.

Who are you, Mother Theresa? If you are content living your life the way that you have been for the last ten plus years. Then fine. If you are content with being in a loveless relationship and treated more like a stranger than a spouse, than that’s on you. If you truly believe that this is what God/Spirit wants for you than stop inhaling whatever you are smoking because that’s far from the truth. God doesn’t want you to be unhappy. God wants you to experience LOVE to its fullest. 

I hear this excuse SO many fucking times. Listen. You will not be remembered as some victim of a loveless marriage and you will not be remembered as a martyr in your marriage, truth is you will be looked at as someone who didn’t believe that they deserved  to be LOVED.

But he’s the breadwinner

Then get off your ass and get a job. Any job will do. Remember getting the job that you want may be a little tough especially if you’ve been a stay at home parent for a few years, so get the job that you NEED. Start building up your resume.

When I was married to wasband #1 I was a stay at home mom for years. It wasn’t until I knew that my marriage was falling apart that I hustled to find a job and gained some experience. So I got a job at Subway making sandwiches. I knew it was only temporary and you know what, it was. 

Learn so be self reliant. Learn to be independent. It feels so good when you don’t have to rely on someone else to fund your pockets.

Divorce is such a hassle.

Well, it can be and so is going to the doctors for your yearly pap smear or colonoscopy. Divorce isn’t a stroll in the park. Sometimes it can be messy but depending on if you are both mature and willing to just put shit to the side then it can go smoothly. 

Just find yourself a lawyer who has your back. 

IF your spouse wants to play dirty and threaten to withhold the children from you or states that he/she will leave you penniless. These are just words to scare the hell out of you. There’s got to be a villain in your story right? let them be.

and get a lawyer who KNOWS the law and will again, have your back. 

Maybe he/she will change and learn to love me again.

*eye roll* 

She/He cheated so he owes it to me to stay. Plus, I don’t want to see him happy. He doesn’t deserve happiness.

Well, don’t you sound like a person I’d like to snuggle right up to and love on for eternity. So you’re willing to put your own happiness aside for someone you don’t trust, can’t even stand to be around, don’t have the desire to make love to just to prove a point? And the point being that if you’re miserable by god he/she will be too.

Think about that for a few minutes. I got time. Think about what I just said. 

What does that say about you? Does it make you feel good while you make someone else feel bad? Why are you putting so much negative energy into a relationship that isn’t serving you? Don’t you deserve happiness? Guilting someone into loving you, isn’t love. Not authentic love.

So stop.

Release each other from the pain.

Release each other from the mental bullshit.

What’s done is done.

I know it’s scary and all those excuses that I listed above are just that. Excuses that we tell ourselves to keep us from experiencing our true destiny.

So get out of your head for once and stop with the excuses. It’s time to own your truth and live the life that you were meant to live. 

Because honestly, once you move past the fear of moving forward or being alone ….. you will sit back and wonder why you didn’t take that step earlier. Remember, the negative bullshit we build up in our head, is just that…. bullshit to feed the fear. So, stop feeding the fear and live YOUR life.

14 thoughts on “Stop holding one another hostage

    1. I’m so glad you enjoyed this post and that you connected with the part about the children.

      I feel many people use their kids as a crutch or an excuse not to leave a marriage instead of truly shining a spotlight on the real reason they won’t leave a toxic / bad marriage…….it’s their own fear and the twenty or so what if’s that are running through their head that are keeping their ass planted on the couch for 15 more years.


  1. *Raising hand* Guilty as charged! I am glad that you wrote this and that I read this. I am determined to change this pattern and get off the “hamster wheel” once and for all.


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