This was an old post that I wrote a few years back. I felt that it was fitting to share it again.
“Marie, Love doesn’t leave bruises.”
That was the last text message I sent to a friend of mine. I understand that whatever road she chooses for herself and her children is her decision but I care about her so much that I don’t want her to go down that road with THAT man, again.
I don’t understand how such a beautiful, caring, intelligent, driven woman can’t see her own self worth? How can she be addicted to such a horrible man that brought her to tears so many times? Not too long ago she shared with me how she found her journal that she kept while she was with him and page after page she warned herself of the red flags, horrible memories filled the pages in front of her, lies he told, broken promises, his rage and so much more. She told me that she would never make those mistakes anymore, that she deserved so much better. I was relieved.
Until …… I received a message from her the other day stating that she was breaking it off with her boyfriend (surfer boy) of nine months because he wasn’t driven and well …… financially secure. The following day she texted me that she still loves Mr.Douche bag and can’t get him out of her mind. I knew there was more to the story so after a few questions she told me that they were going to meet that night to talk about possibly getting back together.
Nothing I said deterred her from meeting him……not even reminding her of what her therapist had told her about their highly dysfunctional relationship to what lined the pages of her journal. How was it possible for her not to see that he was her drug. Something about this man, she craved. Could she possibly be addicted to the drama as well and maybe the social status? The answer was yes.
She recounted their meeting to me the following day. They spoke about their future, laid out a financial plan and how to integrate her into his life. He deactivated his Facebook and all memberships to dating websites and deleted all his female contacts ….. his request was for her to do the same (delete male contacts and deactivate Facebook) along with having access to all accounts which requires the release of passwords. From what she stated he wrote a three page “life plan” and has changed.
I call BULLSHIT.
There should be no vise grip or need to have such a control over each other’s life if they are going to try this again. There should be no need for strict conditions to be placed and they shouldn’t have to draw up a stupid ass spreadsheet to try to fit her into his life. I believe (and I told her) that too much has happened that they will never fully trust each other. They can agree to “no more bars” but they did that before and that didn’t last very long……she can dictate that he can’t associate with girls that make her uncomfortable because that would mean he would be on house arrest, seriously everyone in that town is beautiful.
Those two, when they are together are toxic, “I appreciate your feedback and clearly get you don’t support me even considering it. Love is a strange thing. I know I love him.” she said. “You’re right….I don’t like him. He hurt you countless of times you’ve showed me bruises that he has put on your body, I saw his temper first hand……LOVE…..Love doesn’t cause bruises”
It makes me sick that I can’t do anything for her. It makes me sick to think that she thinks that this is LOVE. What would she do or say if it was me in this situation or even worse ….. her daughters? He turned her world upside down; he tore her down with words and actions but she allowed it and she’s contemplating jumping back into the lions den for round ….. one hundred and twenty.
In short, it took her many years to figure out her self worth. It also took her losing some very close friends in the process to see that maybe her behavior and ideals needed to be tweaked and NO man is worth that bullshit.