I came across an article today that actually in my opinion was utter bullshit, okay maybe that’s a bit harsh it just made for a multitude of eye rolls. What grabbed my attention was this big picture that read DIVORCE with the title, “6 lies we tell ourselves when divorce seems eminent.” That piqued my interest because I’m newly divorced again and I wanted to see what they had to say on the topic. Plus I had a few minutes to kill before I had to clock back in from lunch.
When I first clicked over I noticed right away that it was a faith-based site and that this husband and wife team were promoting their services. Kudos to them. I continued to read the article with an open heart and mind.
So I can tell you with vast experience and knowledge that divorce isn’t the answer (unless you’re being abused, there is habitual and unrepentant unfaithfulness, or your spouse has abandoned you)
I totally agree wholeheartedly by that statement.
Scott and I are advocates of marriage. We love marriage, we celebrate it, and we cherish the blessing that it is. Marriage is God’s design. He wants you to stay married. He wants for your family to be whole. Period. End of story.
Sounds like a very happy couple. I applaud them for being so grounded. The article continued to list the list of lies, the first one being:
I’m just unhappy
I think in every relationship there comes a point that we look at our partner and say to ourselves, “what was I thinking?, It’s never going to get better, this is bullshit or I’m unhappy” and then after some good sleep, make up sex, a few shout outs to the big guy upstairs and after spending a few days in your perspective corners things just seem tolerable or a whole heck of a lot clearer and then you both muster on for a few more years.
Their response: Here’s lie #1 that satan tells us (and that we tell ourselves to lessen the guilt). We can be civilized. We’re adults. We can make this as easy as possible for everyone involved. That’s a selfish statement. Just like getting divorced because you can’t live together is a selfish act. Marriage isn’t selfish. It’s two people serving each other better than they serve themselves. It’s two people choosing to work at the covenant they made.
First off, leave Satan/evil doer/ Darth Vader whomever out of it. Geez why must they always go to the man with red scaly skin and horns? You’re unhappy because life is happening all around you. Maybe you lost your job, the sex life is not like it used to be, You have kids of all ages requiring attention, maybe you’re not happy with yourself and just making your spouse pay for it…..or maybe your spouse is just an ass….whatever reason, being unhappy isn’t reason enough for a divorce.
They do suggest counseling and a few more Godly guilt phrases which mind you I heard plenty of while growing up Catholic.
The second lie is, We don’t love each other anymore.
When the “feelings” stop is when it’s time to dig deep. Here’s this word again…unselfish. It’s putting the needs of your spouse above your own. It’s taking their needs into consideration. It’s respecting them, even when they don’t deserve it. It’s a depth that goes so much deeper than “feelings” could ever take us. It’s about honoring the covenant you made to each other and God.
Okay I agree with this to a certain extent but when is enough, enough? How far are you supposed to dig deep before you lose yourself in building him/her up? Sure you can honor your spouse and put your own likes, desires and dreams on the back burner while boosting him up and tagging along to his events or supporting his dreams but shouldn’t he/she be doing the same for you? isn’t marriage a two way street? and it’s not selfish to put you first once in a while. Not taking care of you and your needs will ultimately make you lose YOU, in turn when you are no longer you your partner will start complaining about what happened to you.
Then you will start to hear, “what happened to the person I fell in love with? where is that happy go lucky free spirit? what happened to the girl that used to smile all the time?” It’s because somewhere in the mix of being wife, mother, cheerleader, cook, counselor, sex slave, housekeeper you kinda lost yourself…..ohhhh and plus we have to remember to be UNSELFISH, because heaven forbid we think of ourselves for ONE MINUTE, God may strike us dead. Fuck that, women go get a damn pedicure and let the man take care of the kids for once.
The third lie, The kids are really adjusting well.
Let me tell you…no they’re not. But that’s a lie we tell ourselves and that satan perpetuates because it eases our own guilt. You’ve just broken their home apart, split their family in two, and changed everything they’ve ever known.
Well there you go throwing in that blasted S name again to scare the fellow readers. Those of you who are scarred by that good old Christian upbringing are probably riddled with memories of stories of hell, fire and brimstone and how if you break a commandment you’re doomed to hell. I wish people would just fucking stop! ohhh shit, I’m probably going to hell for saying fuck and any minute the spirit of Sister Immaculata is going to form in front of me and whack my hand with her famous ruler.
I’m not discrediting what they said about the children. I have three children who had to go through the whole divorce process as well. I won’t lie, it was messy and if I knew all that I know NOW I would have done things a bit differently. I refused to allow my children to grow up with a mother and father who clearly didn’t love each other. We as parents are to set the example and we were doing poorly. They weren’t learning love by us, they weren’t learning the tools to have a successful relationship, let alone how to have a loving marriage. They were learning to be disrespectful to their parents because they saw how we treated each other. they were learning that affection was non existent between their parents.
Newsflash: Even if your door is shut, they can hear. Even if you think they don’t know what’s going on, they do.
The writer then goes into how the children will end up with trauma and would need counseling if divorce happened. Well, no doubt this is the case for some but this goes hand in hand if the married couple allows the children to be brought up in a very unhealthy toxic environment. Honestly, at times I had wished my parents would have divorced when I was young. They didn’t show much love towards one another while I was growing up. I witnessed fighting and some questionable behavior and I often wondered how life would have turned out if my parents did divorce and were actually in loving, happy, respectable relationships.
She goes on to say, “Divorce is breaking up their family. It’s changing something for the rest of their lives. The chances are higher of them being divorced as adults. They’re being set up from an early age to have broken relationships. These aren’t my gut feelings. These things are statistically proven true. I have the generational sin of divorce in my family. Every single person in my family has been divorced, going all the way back to my great-grandparents at a time when divorce was unheard of. Every. Single. Person. Generational curses do exist.
First off, more scare tactics which I’m NOT buying into and secondly generational curses don’t exist. One has the choice to change their behavior if they so choose to by stopping the cycle, getting off the dysfunctional merry-go-round or just making the conscious choice to seeing that just maybe YOUR actions are the root cause. Owning your truth. Owning your shit PERIOD.
Divorce does break up families but it also brings more families together. My kids father remarried about a year after our divorce and now that side of the family is huge. There are more aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins to love and create memories.
Instead of shedding darkness, I’m here to shed some light on the positive of divorce. I’m so tired of hearing people state that they are willing to put up with the toxic bullshit for the children. Great suffer for ten plus more years, let depression consume you while you lose your true self day in and day out. Again, happiness is a choice. Stop with the excuses and step away from fear.
The next lie was, Divorce is the best thing for all involved.
First of all, God doesn’t want your marriage to end. He hates divorce. He says so in Malachi 2:16. Second of all, why would you ask us to pray for your family to be broken? God is not going to answer that prayer.
Uhmmm, did she actually hear God say that and did he say that he wasn’t going to answer that prayer, which was for the divorce to be done quickly and peacefully? This was when I got a bit ticked because God hears and answers all prayers. God may not answer your prayer on your time frame or the way you requested but he does answer them. God/Source does not want you to be unhappy and if you have tried everything in your power and he/she saw your passion to right your wrong or fix your marriage and to no avail the marriage is over. Then he will do as you please. You are made of his greatness. He wants you to be happy.
Then next lie (it’s almost done I promise) is, He expects too much from me. I will never change. They need to love me for who I am or find someone else.
A wise friend once told me that when we want to change something in our spouse, we need to pray that God makes some changes in us first. That prayer works. Because when I pray to become the wife God wants me to be, my husband can see God in me. His behavior changes because mine did.
Well, that’s good in “theory” and may work for some people. I did pray to God when all shit was falling apart in each of my failed marriages. In my first I remember pulling along side a dirt road, my two little girls in the back seat and I broke down sobbing. My soul was dying. I was lost. I prayed my guts out that day for change, for clarity, for guidance. I got clarity alright and knew what I had to do. I also knew it was going to be a long tough road but God didn’t want us to be unhappy. We deserved a life of greatness. But, it took work. Alone.
I prayed in my second and third marriage, we went to church, we sought a therapist, I sought the guidance of the higher source once again and well we pretty much know how that turned out. Source led me to a much more peaceful route.
In Marriage on the Rock, pastor Jimmy Evans also talks about praying to be the kind of spouse God wants you to be. But he also says there are times when your spouse’s behavior isn’t acceptable and Christ-like. Are you behaving in a Christ-like manner toward your spouse? In situations where your spouse is not, you should pray for changes in them. Again, counseling is a wonderful tool. Use any avenue you can to save your marriage. Look to what changes you can make in yourself first. And pray. God loves marriage. He wants to heal yours.
and the last lie is, There’s been an affair. Our marriage is too broken.
First off I give props to those who can continue to live in a marriage where there has been an affair(s). It’s one thing to forgive but to forget….no. I’m too pig headed to forget. Trust is a big one for me and if you violate that it’s hard to get back where we once were and then my days and nights are consumed with “who is he texting, emailing, seeing.”, “is he really going where he says he’s going?” and then I’m secretly glancing over at him while he quickly punches his password all the while I’m trying to memorize his key strokes so I can later go into his phone and check his emails, texts, call history, search history, pictures and any apps that look suspicious. Sounds a bit obsessive right? it is, but this is what happens when one is betrayed over and over. Plus I refuse to be one of those woman who turn their head from the obvious and allow their behavior to continue. Fuck that!
Satan loves to make us think that there’s no hope. He likes nothing more than to fill your head with destructive thoughts and darkness. He hates marriage. He wants it to fail. Because he knows divorce is the beginning to a path to destruction. God can heal anything, even when your broken pieces are so broken they’re no more than dust. There’s nothing more painful than the betrayal of an affair.
There’s that bloodied evil force that’s out to destroy all. Yes, evil loves to meddle in things but it’s our fear that wreaks havoc on our soul and mind. It’s time to take ownership of it all.
Again, I bow down (with a watchful eye) to those who can stay in a marriage where there has been betrayal and with a clear heart state that they have forgiven the acts of their partner. That they trust them completely. That a day, week, month or year doesn’t go by that the thought of the affair or wrong doing doesn’t creep back into mind. That you have full faith in their spouse that if he/she went out on a weekend getaway with friends that you won’t wonder if their eyes will begin to scan the crowd of young beauties and maybe just maybe will fall unto temptation. If you can truly with a golden heart do this than you are the one that should be counseling others and telling us how you’ve done it.
Honestly, I don’t know of any couple who have been able to forgive and forget completely. I know that thoughts of the their lover creeps back into their mind tugging at the heart strings. Secretly they search the name of their former lover or fling on social media hoping to catch a glimpse. A song may come over the radio bringing them back to that place in time and you know as their partner what that song does when your spouse hears it. You as the betrayed, cringe and pray but you know that even though your spouse looks unaffected they are playing out the affair in their mind while they reach for you and whisper “I love you” and that’s when anger begins to stir in the core of your soul and then in your head you say, “Bitch see I have him, I won” but I ask you …… did you really? How is that winning? It’s not. You still suffer. How is that living? Sure, you can make your partners life a living hell but why? how is that making you a better person?
She states “God is closest to the brokenhearted, and you need to call out to him in your brokenness. But you also need to reach out to a pastor and a counselor. Even if your spouse won’t come with you, go see someone for you. This is a time to be very careful about the friends you keep. Be careful about the people you tell. Keep friends closest to you who are going to fill you with God’s word, who are going to love and support you, and who love marriage. If the unfaithful spouse is truly repentant, asks forgiveness, and wants to save your marriage, I encourage you to seek this route. It’s painful and it’s not easy, but there is definitely something there to be saved, and God makes beautiful things out of the ashes.
Don’t let The Deceiver deceive you out of one of God’s greatest blessings. Fight for your marriage. Fight for each other. Generations will thank you.
I’m not going to lie….there were many powerful statements in the article but there were also some that I just didn’t quite agree with but we don’t have to agree with everyone. It’s our God given right to have opinions and to agree to disagree like mature adults.
Divorce isn’t the answer for everyone but if there is any type of abuse (mental/physical) it’s time to LEAVE.
Don’t buy into the manipulation of your spouse……let me tell you this,
Life is better without a manipulating asshole or bitch.
Life is so much better when you can come home and NOT walk on eggshells.
You are LOVEABLE
You are DESIRABLE
You are fucking WORTHY of GREATNESS!
You will find love again and let me tell you that love will take you places that you never knew existed.
You will be adored, loved and be with your best friend and most all…there will be trust.