“I think you’re making a big mistake.” the wasband said as he stood in the door way holding his little blue thermal lunch pail, his bifocals on the tip of his nose. I searched for any sort of emotion in his eyes or a sudden change in his demeanor but all I saw was arrogance and a twinge of darkness.
Seriously the only mistake I made that morning was leaving behind my dishes, silverware, blender, wine opener and the kick ass vacuum.
I never once regretted my decision to leave him.
(you can read more on that here… I will not be silenced)
Sure, a year ago this very day I was filled with an enormous amount of anxiety. Not only had I made a huge life choice to escape from a toxic marriage and put me first; I was driving over 600 miles (Arkansas to Nebraska) with 3 furkids and normally on a good day that drive can take anywhere to eight and a half hours but it took me fourteen hours. OHHHH I almost forgot …. I was pulling a mini UHAUL trailer.
My anxiety was out of the roof.
By the sixth hour I was about to pull over and make my home the rest stop in the boonies of “somewhere” Missouri and by the tenth hour I was tired, hungry and full of hair. …..not my hair, dog hair.
“Mom, what’s wrong….why are you crying?” My daughter asked. I was so thankful for her hourly calls checking in on my (distance & mental) status.
“I’m tired of driving, I’m hungry, it’s fucking cold outside and I’m full of dog hair.” I said as I cried into the phone, ” There’s dog hair everywhere.”
Looking back now, it cracks me up but holy hell at that moment I was at my breaking point but never once did I ever think of turning around. At that exact place in time I was fighting my own Goliath…but I knew that it was better than the alternative, which was living in a place where love was replaced with lies, deceit and its share of mental masturbation.
The days that followed I condensed my life into a small bedroom that had lingering hints of cat pee and cigarette smoke. “It could be worse” became my mantra. I felt extreme guilt that I put my furkids through all that……especially taking them from being able to roam around and have a big backyard to play in to being somewhat confined but I kept telling them it will be better soon. Soon.
Weeks passed and I hadn’t heard a peep out of him. He never fought for me, but did that surprise me? no, he never fought for our marriage so why did I think he would fight for ME? shit, I’ve never had a man declare his TRUE AUTHENTIC love and fight for me.
It’s seriously not like the movies. There’s no empathy, or sprints down a highway dodging in and out of traffic just to beg for forgiveness or tell you that they were a complete idiot and they do in fact love you. No, the only thing he did was send his other woman $1500 just weeks after I left and take countless vacations all over the country. Yeah, how’s that for a “I think you’re making a huge mistake”………No, he made a huge mistake by not removing his shit (pictures, scanned documents, emails) from my laptop!
As far as my job went I’m blessed to work for a company that understood the severity of my situation and transferred me with 48 hours notice. That’s pretty much how much notice I gave the wasband that I was leaving. So, I wasn’t without work. I was placed within a week and work has been a blessing.
Trust me, there were moments I wanted to bathe in the depression and just roll around in it. I was angry. I was pissed. I was sick and tired of a lot of things but I had to change my story. I had to fight for myself because no one else was going to. I was determined to claim the life that I so deserved and desired, I was done with wishing ….. it was time to manifest the life I envisioned for myself.
I learned quite a bit about faux friendships as well as solid gold ones. I’ve made huge steps on ridding the toxic people and situations from my life. I’ve also stepped away from fear and refused to be fucked with. Most importantly I recognized old behaviors and the tests that the universe/God/spirit was placing in my path. If I was fully ready to change and live the life I so desired than I had to prove that I was serious. I blocked those temptations left and right and tore through the darkness.
I was tired of the lies. I was tired of the broken promises. I was tired of the game. Most importantly I was TIRED. I was done with being broken. I spent the necessary time being mad. I owed it to myself to work through all those emotions. I kept finding out more and more, piecing everything together. (again, thankful for his not so genius like move of transferring all his scanned documents into my hard drive). I had plenty of time on my hands so I got to work. I pieced credit card transactions, with known travels he took to phone records because he scanned those in too. Yes, I knew all. His “stories” unraveled.
See, when one has been hurt enough….one learns from past mistakes in turn becomes observant and smart.
But, this helped plus in some weird way it was therapeutic…. I was just angry at myself for being so dumb but I learned one very important thing. Forgiveness.
I forgave myself. I was too hard on myself. Yes, I was warned at the very beginning by spirit, I didn’t heed the call but it’s okay. This whole journey taught me strength. It taught me patience and boy was that a struggle……if I had a dollar for every time I was told the P word I could feed the whole morning crowd at Cracker Barrel for 6 Sundays straight. I was taught a good lesson in faith.
This year is definitely ending on a high note. I can’t thank my awesome friends, daughter, son and sister enough, I love you to the moon and back! and for those who are wondering, no I won’t be kissing anyone under the mistletoe or ringing in the new year with a kiss but I’m totally 100% okay with that, you know why?
Because I will be surrounded by the one person who as never let me down and that’s ME.