Boy what a difference a year makes

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“I think you’re making a big mistake.” the wasband said as he stood in the door way holding his little blue thermal lunch pail, his bifocals on the tip of his nose. I searched for any sort of emotion in his eyes or a sudden change in his demeanor but all I saw was arrogance and a twinge of darkness.

Seriously the only mistake I made that morning was  leaving behind my dishes, silverware, blender, wine opener and the kick ass vacuum.

I never once regretted my decision to leave him.

 (you can read more on that here… I will not be silenced)

Sure, a year ago this very day I was filled with an enormous amount of anxiety. Not only had I made a huge life choice to escape from a toxic marriage and put me first; I was driving over 600 miles (Arkansas to Nebraska) with 3 furkids and normally on a good day that drive can take anywhere to eight and a half hours but it took me fourteen hours. OHHHH I almost forgot …. I was pulling a mini UHAUL trailer.

My anxiety was out of the roof.

By the sixth hour I was about to pull over and make my home the rest stop in the boonies of “somewhere” Missouri and by the tenth hour I was tired, hungry and full of hair. …..not my hair, dog hair.

“Mom, what’s wrong….why are you crying?” My daughter asked. I was so thankful for her hourly calls checking in on my (distance &  mental)  status.

“I’m tired of driving, I’m hungry, it’s fucking cold outside and I’m full of dog hair.”  I said as I cried into the phone, ” There’s dog hair everywhere.”

Looking back now, it cracks me up but holy hell at that moment I was at my breaking point but never once did I ever think of turning around. At that exact place in time I was fighting my own Goliath…but I knew that it was better than the alternative, which was living in a place where love was replaced with lies, deceit and its share of mental masturbation.

The days that followed I condensed my life into a small bedroom that had lingering hints of cat pee and cigarette smoke. “It could be worse” became my mantra.  I felt extreme guilt that I put my furkids through all that……especially taking them from being able to roam around and have a big backyard to play in to being somewhat confined but I kept telling them it will be better soon. Soon.

Weeks passed and I hadn’t heard a peep out of him. He never fought for me, but did that surprise me? no, he never fought for our marriage so why did I think he would fight for ME? shit, I’ve never had a man declare his TRUE AUTHENTIC love and fight for me.

It’s seriously not like the movies. There’s no empathy, or sprints down a highway dodging in and out of traffic just to beg for forgiveness or tell you that they were a complete idiot and they do in fact love you. No, the only thing he did was send his other woman $1500 just weeks after I left and take countless vacations all over the country. Yeah, how’s that for a “I think you’re making a huge mistake”………No, he made a huge mistake by not removing his shit (pictures, scanned documents, emails)  from my laptop!

 

As far as my job went I’m blessed to work for a company that understood the severity of my situation and transferred me with 48 hours notice. That’s pretty much how much notice I gave the wasband that I was leaving. So, I wasn’t without work. I was placed within a week and work has been a blessing.

Trust me, there were moments I wanted to bathe in the depression and just roll around in it. I was angry. I was pissed. I was sick and tired of a lot of things but I had to change my story. I had to fight for myself because no one else was going to. I was determined to claim the life that I so deserved and desired, I was done with wishing ….. it was time to manifest the life I envisioned for myself.

I learned quite a bit about faux friendships as well as solid gold ones. I’ve made huge steps on ridding the toxic people and situations from my life. I’ve also stepped away from fear and refused to be fucked with. Most importantly I recognized old behaviors and the tests that the universe/God/spirit was placing in my path.  If I was fully ready to change and live the life I so desired than I had to prove that I was serious. I blocked those temptations left and right and tore through the darkness.

I was tired of the lies. I was tired of the broken promises. I was tired of the game. Most importantly I was TIRED. I was done with being broken. I spent the necessary time being mad. I owed it to myself to work through all those emotions. I kept finding out more and more, piecing everything together. (again, thankful for his not so genius like move of transferring all his scanned documents into my hard drive). I had plenty of time on my hands so I got to work. I pieced credit card transactions, with known travels he took to phone records because he scanned those in too. Yes, I knew all. His “stories” unraveled.

See, when one has been hurt enough….one learns from past mistakes in turn becomes observant and smart.

But, this helped plus in some weird way it was therapeutic…. I was just angry at myself for being so dumb but I learned one very important thing. Forgiveness.

I forgave myself. I was too hard on myself. Yes, I was warned at the very beginning by spirit, I didn’t heed the call but it’s okay. This whole journey taught me strength. It taught me patience and boy was that a struggle……if I had a dollar for every time I was told the P word I could feed the whole morning crowd at Cracker Barrel for 6 Sundays straight. I was taught a good lesson in faith.

This year is definitely ending on a high note. I can’t thank my awesome friends, daughter, son and sister enough, I love you to the moon and back! and for those who are wondering, no I won’t be kissing anyone under the mistletoe or ringing in the new year with a kiss but I’m totally 100% okay with that, you know why?

Because I will be surrounded by the one person who as never let me down and that’s ME.     

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19 thoughts on “Boy what a difference a year makes

  1. I am so happy for you.
    This story took me on a roller coaster. When I read you left him and he thought you were making a mistake, a thought you were. But when I read that he did not fight for you (reach out afterwards), I was stunned. Knew it was not a mistake. You did the right thing. And at the end, I was glad to read that you are doing alright.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you 🙂
      My marriage in and of itself was a rollercoaster ride but his last words were just to get into my head. I was already used to his little mind games….. but I had already had enough especially after the incident in April of 2016. It’s in the blog post “I will not be silenced #MeToo” .

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Ohhh tell me about it. He had phone records scanned a year before he met me soooo I saw how he totally screwed over the girl that he was seeing prior to me. —- How he stated he was totally single and not dating anyone, which of course was a lie because he flew the girl he was dating to see him a month before he went and flew to see me. — this dude must have some great flier miles. haha

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I saw your ridiculous username so I had to keep reading and I’m in love with this. This text is condensed with emotions and it feels so ‘real’. But in contrast to reality, it is also so inspirational. I’m currently at a point you could call the start of a year like that. So this came at the perfect time. Thank you very much. And you’re fucking right: NO REGRETS ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Ben,
      Yeah the blog name is a bit silly….maybe on the verge of ridiculous, but it’s catchy and it’s better than the common phrase “Ding dong the dick is gone” haha. I remember on the day my attorney called and told me the divorce as been finalized, I just yelled out “Ding dong the divorce is done!” and to be honest this blog was only going to be just a work in progress and private but changed my mind soon after I started revealing my truth.

      Thank you so much for your awesome words!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh don’t get me wrong I didn’t mean ridiculous in a bad way. Just crazy funny in a black humorous way. 😄
        Similar to you I kept my blog very serious for quite some time and then I realized that openly writing about personal stuff can actually be quite comforting. At least it beings some order into chaos and I feel a little more honest about what I’m dealing with 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so happy for you! You’ve made it through the darkness into the light. I’m still in the thick of things, and it’s hard not to feel beaten down and broken every time I get another demand from his lawyer. At least I’m out of his web of lies and control. That’s progress, right?

    Liked by 2 people

  4. What an introduction to your work! You kick ass on Instagram, so I had to come check it out. I think we learn the lessons and accrue we’re meant to have when we’re meant to have it – and that P word plays such a huge role.

    Look forward to reading more.

    Liked by 2 people

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