An evening out with my girlfriends always brings many bottles of wine, great conversation, hours of laughter and on this particular night ….. it brought insight to a topic that is more common than we would like to admit. The lies men tell us just to satisfy their one-eyed weasel and why we, believe them.
“Gurrrrrrl I was knee-deep in my own steamy romance novel, the smut was playing out right in front of my eyes and I was its lead character. There I was, lost in his blue eyes…. he took my face in his hands and said “Love, don’t you ever change!”, HOOKED, just like that!
If I knew what I knew now about that lying sob, I would have said “How bout, don’t YOU EVER fucking change” and like the Titanic I should have let his hands go right then and let his ass DROWN. Damn right, I could have rowed my own ass to shore.
A roar of laughter was heard around the table along with the clink of glasses. I loved Savannah.her sassy southern wit and off the wall sayings just had me in stitches. No man was safe if they wronged her.
That’s when Sarah grabbed her phone and read lines from text messages that she received from an old boyfriend who had been trying to win her back, “I’m a changed man. I haven’t dated anyone for three years. My heart belongs to only you. I still have things in this house that remind me of you. You’re my soul mate and I know in my heart we will grow old together.” sure, the use of the S word made her physically ill, she didn’t believe in soul mates… but she also knew among the half ass omission of his love for her that he was full of it. Yes, his pitiful omission and regret for his past actions was borderline believable but his childish sexual banter was so off-putting it only brought back memories of his typical lines he’d not only use on her but several of his women friends.
“The douche bag was feeding me lines all the while was on the cusp of a relationship, could you believe that?” flipping her phone around and showing a picture of the two love birds.
“Is that his mother?” Emily chimed.
“Uhm, no” she scoffed, “it’s not like I even considered going back to him. It’s that I believed that he was actually truly sorry for his actions in the past and I forgave him and you all know I don’t FORGIVE any of the assholes who took part in making me the jaded-man hating bitch that I am today. I thought he turned a new leaf and became somewhat human. Nope. Hey Leslie, do you have a warty shrinking penis spell in your book of shadows?”
“You know I do, or something close. I will check tomorrow. I should make a list……looks like a lot of men will get what they deserve come the full moon in a couple of days”
“Here is a good one” all attention turned to Georgia. “A few months ago Howard had the nerve to say that he cannot go any longer and that he had to have it NOW and emphasized that there is vagina EVERYWHERE” I shot him a look and said “you are a vagina” and walked away.
“Good for you” I said, “He has a hand, he can use it”
As we shared our favorite one liners heard from the ghosts of our boyfriend/husband past , it was quite disheartening to hear all the accounts of men who would say and do about almost anything just to get into a girls pants or worse, down in the depths of her soul where she gave glimpses of her vulnerability.
“It’s those so-called lines/lies that they use just so they can wet their poor excuse of a gherkin.” Emily spouted off.
Taking a swig of my wine, I interjected….the worst line I’ve heard, besides I love you is “I’m in the middle of a divorce” They talk about how awful and neglectful their spouse was, leading you to believe that she is related to Beelzebub. It’s after you remove the blindfold many months later and start putting the pieces together and realize that it was all a lie….every last word, every last moment was a lie.
Lorelei leaned in, “Well, here’s one …. “I’m not married, I’m separated” In fact, he was married, had two kids with one on the way, and his wife was planning a ceremony for them to renew their vows after she had given birth”
“What.An.Ass” Dawn said with a wine induced slur while raising her glass in the air singling the waitress for another glass “How about this one. A man asks me out on a date, picks me up in his car and I see a few cd’s on the dashboard – Britney Spears and The Les Miserables soundtrack. He told me that they belonged to his sister. Turns out, they belonged to his girlfriend, as did the car he picked me up in!!”
“I am so fed up with the dating scene, the worst one is when they claim to be done with the dating bullshit and are not interested in a one night stand. You remember, Mark right? I slept with him after a month and then BAM, he changed his phone number the next day. He was a long-term friend up until that point and we have never spoken again” Mellie shared as she took a sip of her martini.
Look at us, we are intelligent, amazing, beautiful women …. why are we even falling for this shit? didn’t we learn enough in our late twenties to spot an asshole mile away or do we truly believe that we will find our happily ever after just like in the books that we read or write! Couldn’t we be our own hero and these men we bring into our lives be the lazy sidekick that gets abducted by the crazy sexy villain?
“Well, I’m not quite sure if a memo went out through the ball and chain network but my husband has this wild idea that if he buys me wine or cleans the house that that equals sex. He may get a blow job but sex requires me to take my pants off and I have a lot of shit to do! and hearing “Just the tip, I swear” is just going to get him the go to hell look. It’s never JUST the fucking tip!”
“Cheers to THAT!” we said in unison.
“Hey did you know that there are 174 ways to call a penis and gherkin isn’t even listed? I bet a man wrote this list” Emily stared into her phone.
“Heat seeking venomous throbbing python of love – netherrod- yogurt shotgun-moisture missile-sebastianic sword- mushroom head….yeah that’s more like it, I was with a guy whose member was smaller than my index finger FULLY erect”
Well, I guess there it is ……. if they can lie about the size of their pied piper than they can lie to us and spout off “I love you’s, you’re the only one, damn your ass looks bangin in those jeans, until the cows come home. We just have to be wise to their intent and let them work for our prized petunia a little bit more.
With that …… it’s time to go home and go to bed!
Good night ladies
*names have been changed to protect my rowdy bunch of lovable misfits, you will never know whose story is whose….girl code*