*Before I begin, this post isn’t about feeling like a victim or wanting your pity…….it’s about not allowing a situation to define you. To find the strength and courage to leave a toxic environment*
Yes, I have been married a fair share of times, am I proud of it? no. But that’s another story for another time. But after word got out that my marriage failed people were quick to judge or throw some nasty comments around, “She must have done something wrong,” or “Well she knew what she was getting into.” sure I could have picked up the phone and set these ignorant people straight but what would that solve? I knew the truth. I knew what I experienced and my closest friends saw with their own two eyes how my marriage nearly broke me.
Yes, chatters are going to chat. Haters are going to hate and the ignorant will continue to judge and gossip, it’s what they do. There’s nothing I can do about it.
I will say this, what I thought I was getting into was a marriage of love and devotion. It was the picture he painted to make me believe and trust in him. Why would I not believe him? I’d known him for over twelve years, he knew what he wanted and that was me. He swept me off my feet once again (we had dated twelve years ago) with his charm. He showered me with love and he treated me like I meant something. For the first time, I felt safe. For the first time, I felt as though I was in a grown up relationship with someone who had their shit together. For the first time, I had no desire to snoop through his phone because our trust hadn’t been violated.
As soon as that ring was on my finger and I was all moved into his home (it was never our home) the veil fell, his true self emerged and boundaries were crossed; one of those I will share with you now.
***Trigger warning: what you are about to read may trigger memories of violation, abuse or rape. ***
One would think or hope that certain boundaries would never be crossed when you’re married. Being married doesn’t give you ownership of the other person nor does it give you any sort of power over your partner.
On April 10th my power was taken. On this night I no longer saw him as my husband, on this night I stared at a man who didn’t give a shit about who I was. Wife or not…..I was just a body with holes he can fuck without my consent.
He knew my routine. He knew there were nights that I would take a sleep aid to help me sleep. On this particular evening I just needed rest, I had been busting my ass with work and then coming home studying to become a certified medical coder until 10 or 11 at night and things didn’t change because it was the weekend. On this night my brain needed a break so I cut my studying short, took a pill and headed to bed.
What I woke up to was him on his knees sticking his small appendage into my mouth. “Suck it” I heard him say as he tapped my cheek. I didn’t want to believe that this was happening. My mind was screaming but my body couldn’t….wouldn’t move. Due to the strength of the sleep med I passed out only to wake to his body over me, violating me. Again, my body wasn’t responding. I fought to stay awake, I could NOT allow myself to fall back asleep, I yelled inside my head to snap the fuck out of it. I stared at this man while he was over me …. I was sickened. I felt a tear fall down my cheek. I could not believe that he thought that this was okay. How could anyone think that taking advantage of someone who was not responding to their touch be alright? I was limp, he should be to. Who can get off on someone who doesn’t respond to their touch? As I was fighting to stay awake he pulled out and stuck his penis inside my mouth once again, all I could do was gag at the intrusion.
As I stared into the cold eyes of my husband I prayed for protection. I prayed that this would stop.
Minutes passed and I began to become more alert. I was no longer paralyzed by the med. I started to squirm, but that was when he filled my mouth with his foul-tasting self. “That’s a good girl” he said as he patted my leg as he moved off the bed.
That was the first night I ever spit him out.
April tenth was the last day that man ever touched me and that was the night that I made the conscious decision that I had to leave.
The days and months that followed I stayed quiet. I grew more distant and moved into the guest bedroom. Night after night his repulsive act replayed over and over in my head. There was no love that night, he was just a cruel heartless man who just took. I no longer felt safe in that home but leaving wasn’t that simple I had to play it smart, I had to strategically plan my next move.
News flash: Just because you’re married it doesn’t mean you own your partner. You should respect and love your spouse with every ounce of your being. Sure there are going to be moments when he/she ticks you off and you may not like one another at the moment but under no circumstance should you destroy, break or violate them. Being married doesn’t make your spouse your property.
Why am I sharing my story now? because I can and because there are women out there that are married who are putting up with the same bullshit. Somewhere in these demented minds they see their wives as property, a hole to fuck. We aren’t their one and only, their soulmate or best friend; we are nothing to them. Women, marital rape is real and it happens. It’s a violation. It’s assault. No still means no even after the I do’s. No still means no when we are exhausted from being mom, wife, cook, maid and the other fifty titles we take on during the day. No still means no when we are out cold because of taking cold medicine, a sleeping pill or just because we’re exhausted. It is our right to feel safe in our own home.
If I had the courage back then I would have gone to the authorities. It was my mind that stopped me, “No one will believe you”, “It’s his word against yours”, “Those men will believe him over you” ….. it’s fear that will stop you every single time. I did speak to someone who was very dear to my heart. This person knew deep down in his gut that something was just not right and reached out. His gut feeling was correct. It wasn’t until I left the wasband that I began to share this incident with my closest friends. It was their awesomeness and pure love that got me through some of the toughest days.
I admit, I still catch myself looking over my shoulder when I’m in my own home. He had a way of creeping up behind me without making a sound and as I would turn around, he’d be right there. It took sometime for the nightmares to fade but I’d call upon my warrior angels and my restlessness disappeared.
I refuse for him to have any control over me now. He didn’t break me like he intended and hoped. He didn’t extinguish that light inside of me and he sure as hell didn’t silence me.
He has no power over me now.
I came across an article the other day and someone quoted Dr. Grant Mullen MD from “Why do I feel so down when my faith should lift me up?” and it made a lot of sense.
Sex is primarily a spiritual act of oneness symbolized with a physical act. For it to be a blessing in marriage, there needs to be emotional and spiritual wholeness, free of domination, manipulation and control from either spouse. Emotional wounding or bondage in either person will damage and distort sexual intimacy. To have a healthy sexuality, you need complete trust, mutual respect and appreciation of each other which leads to oneness of body, soul and spirit. This creates a godly sexual soul tie.
An ungodly sexual soul tie occurs when sexuality becomes a tool of control. Yes, there can be an ungodly sexual soul tie even in Christian marriage. There can even be sexual abuse in Christian marriage which gets covered up by insisting on the scriptural submission of women to the will of the male. It is a sin to dominate, manipulate or control a spouse in any way, including sexuality. It shows disrespect and treats the person as an object to meet the emotional needs of the other. Sexuality can be used as a tool of punishment or reward to control the other spouse. When it is used as a way of reassuring yourself of worth or acceptance, it can easily become an addiction that drives you for more. A very simple test of sexuality is to ask yourself this question, during sex are you lovingly giving yourself to your spouse or taking what you believe to be rightfully yours? If you are taking then you are on dangerous ground!
In my observation, most sexual problems are emotional and spiritual, not physical. The solution is the healing of our wounds.