Three Dog Night got it all wrong when they wrote One is the loneliest number, sure it’s a classic break up song when accompanied by a box of tissue, your drink of choice preferably a bottle of wine and a pint of ice cream but the song needs to be retired and replaced with more empowering songs like :
- Fuck you by Lily Allen
- You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette
- Best thing I never had by Beyonce
- Bossy by Kelis
- Phoenix by Olivia Holt
I understand that with any break up there are moments of sadness and heartache but in all truthfulness I felt more alone during the five years of marriage then I do now. So by the time it came time to leave I had already gone through the five stages of grief due to our failed marriage.
- Denial – I didn’t want to believe that the man who I placed high on a pedestal for fifteen years was just another asshole. I didn’t want to believe that the Happily Ever After was just another horror story and I sure as hell didn’t want to believe that I was going to be divorced for a THIRD time. (at least it gave the other two wasbands and their families something to laugh and talk shit about) This was supposed to be it. Boy was I fooled.
- Anger – I was angry when I realized that he never intended to be my husband to the fullest extent. Our marriage was just for show, to the outside world people saw a happy couple but behind closed doors the mask came off and his true self showed. His words and promises were just an illusion. I was angry that I fell for his charm once again. I left everything to be with this man but for what? Lies, betrayal, heartache. During those times I thought about one of my favorite lines by Jane Austen, “I was quiet, but I wasn’t blind” and I soooooo wasn’t blind.
- Bargaining – This went on for far too long. I believed each time he said he was sorry. I believed in our marriage but even counseling couldn’t fix the inevitable. The therapist even saw through his bullshit. I knew things weren’t going to change. I was supposed to look the other way and play the dumb subservient wife. Well, dumb…I’m not and subservient ohhhh fuck no.
- Depression – At first, it was hard not to fall into the dark pits of depression. We were not even married a year and he told me that he regretted marrying me and that loved someone else. By the second year I managed to take my emotions out of how I wanted to react in front of him. Showing any type of emotion had no effect on him. I was just there to fill space, to play the role of wife when we were out among his friends and family and be the hole he needed when he deemed fit.
- Acceptance – Which was the light at the end of the tunnel. By this time, I was no longer in love with him. I was just going through the motions to buy time.
I did all the crying long before I locked the door for the last time.
Being alone is nothing to fret over. It’s actually liberating. It’s a time to reevaluate your life and your passions. I know many people who fear being alone and have chosen to stay with their partner and endure a loveless or toxic relationship because “it’s better than the alternative”, which to them is living alone. I’m not here to judge their choice, everyone has their own journey to live and lessons to learn but I ask them four simple questions.
- Have you ever taken yourself out to lunch or dinner and enjoyed a meal by yourself? (drive thru’s don’t count)
- Have you ever just gone on a road trip by yourself?
- Have you ever been alone or have you always been with someone?
- Why do you believe you deserve to be in this type of relationship?
Trust me, making the decision to leave your spouse or break up with a long-term boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t easy. Deciding who gets what is a pain in the ass, but in the full spectrum of things, it’s just stuff. For me, I packed up a small U-Haul trailer and packed it with a few boxes, my desk and chair. I didn’t want any reminders of the last five years. I wanted a fresh start and yes, I admit I have had moments where I wished I’d taken my dishes (or A dish) or silverware (or at least a spoon, fork and a knife) or my cool ass wine opener because the wine opener at the dollar store busted after 2 bottles and lastly I wished that I had taken my vacuum that I bought……but I just wanted, out. I was exhausted. I knew deep down that I deserved better. And by better, I don’t mean with a man. I mean a life free of the bullshit and chaos.
Sure it’s been tough. I’m not going to lie and say it’s been easy. Some days were better than others but I will tell you this…..not once have I regretted my decision. Not even on the crappiest days did I regret my decision. My journey has only made me stronger and that much more determined.
No, don’t worry…… I’m not determined to find Mr. Right or have that Happily Ever After, that ship has sailed. I’m determined to love regardless of hate, I’m determined to find joy in a world full of chaos and I’m going to find time to laugh when maybe all I want to do is cry. All I have to do is look around and see how far I’ve come within this past year and honey I’m doing pretty damn good!
I have two damn good wine openers now!!