Boy what a difference a year makes

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“I think you’re making a big mistake.” the wasband said as he stood in the door way holding his little blue thermal lunch pail, his bifocals on the tip of his nose. I searched for any sort of emotion in his eyes or a sudden change in his demeanor but all I saw was arrogance and a twinge of darkness.

Seriously the only mistake I made that morning was  leaving behind my dishes, silverware, blender, wine opener and the kick ass vacuum.

I never once regretted my decision to leave him.

 (you can read more on that here… I will not be silenced)

Sure, a year ago this very day I was filled with an enormous amount of anxiety. Not only had I made a huge life choice to escape from a toxic marriage and put me first; I was driving over 600 miles (Arkansas to Nebraska) with 3 furkids and normally on a good day that drive can take anywhere to eight and a half hours but it took me fourteen hours. OHHHH I almost forgot …. I was pulling a mini UHAUL trailer.

My anxiety was out of the roof.

By the sixth hour I was about to pull over and make my home the rest stop in the boonies of “somewhere” Missouri and by the tenth hour I was tired, hungry and full of hair. …..not my hair, dog hair.

“Mom, what’s wrong….why are you crying?” My daughter asked. I was so thankful for her hourly calls checking in on my (distance &  mental)  status.

“I’m tired of driving, I’m hungry, it’s fucking cold outside and I’m full of dog hair.”  I said as I cried into the phone, ” There’s dog hair everywhere.”

Looking back now, it cracks me up but holy hell at that moment I was at my breaking point but never once did I ever think of turning around. At that exact place in time I was fighting my own Goliath…but I knew that it was better than the alternative, which was living in a place where love was replaced with lies, deceit and its share of mental masturbation.

The days that followed I condensed my life into a small bedroom that had lingering hints of cat pee and cigarette smoke. “It could be worse” became my mantra.  I felt extreme guilt that I put my furkids through all that……especially taking them from being able to roam around and have a big backyard to play in to being somewhat confined but I kept telling them it will be better soon. Soon.

Weeks passed and I hadn’t heard a peep out of him. He never fought for me, but did that surprise me? no, he never fought for our marriage so why did I think he would fight for ME? shit, I’ve never had a man declare his TRUE AUTHENTIC love and fight for me.

It’s seriously not like the movies. There’s no empathy, or sprints down a highway dodging in and out of traffic just to beg for forgiveness or tell you that they were a complete idiot and they do in fact love you. No, the only thing he did was send his other woman $1500 just weeks after I left and take countless vacations all over the country. Yeah, how’s that for a “I think you’re making a huge mistake”………No, he made a huge mistake by not removing his shit (pictures, scanned documents, emails)  from my laptop!

 

As far as my job went I’m blessed to work for a company that understood the severity of my situation and transferred me with 48 hours notice. That’s pretty much how much notice I gave the wasband that I was leaving. So, I wasn’t without work. I was placed within a week and work has been a blessing.

Trust me, there were moments I wanted to bathe in the depression and just roll around in it. I was angry. I was pissed. I was sick and tired of a lot of things but I had to change my story. I had to fight for myself because no one else was going to. I was determined to claim the life that I so deserved and desired, I was done with wishing ….. it was time to manifest the life I envisioned for myself.

I learned quite a bit about faux friendships as well as solid gold ones. I’ve made huge steps on ridding the toxic people and situations from my life. I’ve also stepped away from fear and refused to be fucked with. Most importantly I recognized old behaviors and the tests that the universe/God/spirit was placing in my path.  If I was fully ready to change and live the life I so desired than I had to prove that I was serious. I blocked those temptations left and right and tore through the darkness.

I was tired of the lies. I was tired of the broken promises. I was tired of the game. Most importantly I was TIRED. I was done with being broken. I spent the necessary time being mad. I owed it to myself to work through all those emotions. I kept finding out more and more, piecing everything together. (again, thankful for his not so genius like move of transferring all his scanned documents into my hard drive). I had plenty of time on my hands so I got to work. I pieced credit card transactions, with known travels he took to phone records because he scanned those in too. Yes, I knew all. His “stories” unraveled.

See, when one has been hurt enough….one learns from past mistakes in turn becomes observant and smart.

But, this helped plus in some weird way it was therapeutic…. I was just angry at myself for being so dumb but I learned one very important thing. Forgiveness.

I forgave myself. I was too hard on myself. Yes, I was warned at the very beginning by spirit, I didn’t heed the call but it’s okay. This whole journey taught me strength. It taught me patience and boy was that a struggle……if I had a dollar for every time I was told the P word I could feed the whole morning crowd at Cracker Barrel for 6 Sundays straight. I was taught a good lesson in faith.

This year is definitely ending on a high note. I can’t thank my awesome friends, daughter, son and sister enough, I love you to the moon and back! and for those who are wondering, no I won’t be kissing anyone under the mistletoe or ringing in the new year with a kiss but I’m totally 100% okay with that, you know why?

Because I will be surrounded by the one person who as never let me down and that’s ME.     

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Getting your cozy on during this holiday season. #Blogmas

 

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When I’m not reading, stalking the shelves at my local bookstore or flying high on Reiki, you can find me cozying up in my comfy chair with a glass of wine or maybe a hot cup of coco with a splash or two of Baileys and watching some of my Christmas favorites.

  1. Love Actually – I’ve watched this movie twice since Thanksgiving and there’s something poetic about love finding its way above all things. People having the guts to declare their love…… plus Hugh Grant kills it with his dance moves.
  2. When Harry Met Sally – I think I’ve watched this every year for the past twenty years.
  3. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
  4. Bridget Jones Diary – This is a must regardless of the season but who doesn’t love Colin in his reindeer sweater.
  5. Charlie Brown Christmas
  6. White Christmas – The first time I watched this movie was in 6th grade during music appreciation class. I instantly fell in love with the characters, the dance routines and of course the music.
  7. Elf
  8. A Christmas Carol
  9. The Polar Express
  10. Serendipity – Ohhh who doesn’t love a holiday romance movie. One that chips away at the cold black heart  people claim you have. We all have that movie that somehow makes you believe in the magic of destiny, well this one is that movie for me. img_5830
  11. The Shop around the Corner – It’s just a classic that makes me feel all warm inside….and no that’s not because of wine or the copious amount of hot coco I had.

You’re probably wondering why I didn’t list some of the obvious faves like :

A Christmas Story   – At this point in my life if it’s ever on, it’s just background noise. It’s become just as unnecessary as Princess Bride.

It’s A wonderful life – I’ve seen it way too many times and the only person I enjoy is the angel.

Miracle on 34th st – Just NO!

 

What are you favorite holiday movies? 

 

Today’s the day ..

Isn’t it exhausting living a lie?

Day after day placing that mask upon your face and pretending to be someone you’re not.

Take off that mask and breathe in YOU.

Feel the real you course through out your body ready to take on the world but today …. without any masks, without any fear of judgement, without fear of being unloved because darling you are worthy.

Breathe in the YOU that is magnificent.

Breathe in the YOU that is strong.

Breathe in the YOU that is worthy of greatness.

Remember, give fear that good old middle finger and take that step.

You got this but if you falter I’m here.

Just be the amazing person that YOU are meant to be!!

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Please tell me why so many of us feel that we can’t be our true authentic self? Why are so many of us afraid to share our passions, beliefs or thoughts with those whom we love? Is it fear of judgment? Is it because we think they will think its silly, stupid or off the wall?  whatever it is, we need to stop. We need to love ourselves regardless of what others may think. Seriously, look at yourself and say “I’m fucking awesome!”  Easier said than done right?

Trust me, I get it and I was in the same spot and in some ways, still am….but little by little I am coming into my own and being my true authentic self. For the first time in over ten years I don’t feel as though I need to hide who I am, I don’t need to mold into the person someone else thinks I should be. I actually like who I am and the person that I’ve become through all my mistakes and rocky journey. I embrace my scars, especially the ones you can’t see. For those are the ones that have made me stronger.

I’ve witnessed many friends and acquaintances hold back parts of themselves from their partner, spouse, family and even friends because of fear of judgment, being ridiculed, or made fun of so instead they hide their passions and conform into the person that is expected of them.

It’s better to be silent than to speak my truth, my word doesn’t hold any bearing anyways.” a close friend said to me recently but I totally understood where she was coming from….when one is not heard in their marriage or in their relationship they just retreat within.

My wife just mocks me when I want to talk about my experiences. So I’ve learned to shut that part of me off from her. Jolene it’s sad that I can’t be me around her. She doesn’t even care to know the REAL me.” 

I have a hiding spot for my books and journals. He just doesn’t understand.

“I want to be a writer but my partner thinks it’s a waste of time so I guess I will just continue working in this job that sucks my soul dry…I have no purpose.”

I resonated with each one of the statements that my friends shared with me over the years, hell I couldn’t be my true self in my marriage. I hid my interest for the elements, my books where hidden behind other genres that lined my bookshelf and cards hidden for fear of being misunderstood or accused of being something I wasn’t. I knew the wasband wouldn’t understand, heck we went round and round over a topic about animals having souls, with my closing statement being, “Uhm have you ever watched All Dogs Go to Heaven and I guess you will be eating crow when you see Fido at the pearly gates.” I really wanted to say “hell” but I knew to bite my tongue.  His “my way or the highway” dictatorship was pure bullshit. I had to be the quiet little wife who did as he said when he demanded or else. Conversation was limited to only him because that’s who he deemed was important. No one else.

Seriously? who are we to make our partners or loved ones feel like they can’t be themselves. Wasn’t it their charming, bubbly personality that won us over to begin with? What ever happened to unconditional love? it seems to me that love these days comes with a butt load of conditions…..one of which is “you need to change into the person I want you to be.” or else.

What it all boils down to is fear.

  • Fear to stand on our own two feet.
  • Fear of being alone
  • Fear of losing the love of your life. But TRUE love encourages, NOT discourages. *remember that*
  • Fear that we won’t survive on our own.
  • Fear that others will think less of them if they choose to lead with their heart.
  • Fear that their family will stop loving them.
  • Fear is a mother fucker. Sorry if that offends you, but I speak from the heart.
  • Fear screws with your thoughts.
  • Fear holds you back from attaining your true potential.
  • Fear weaves it’s madness inside your head and convinces you that things will go horribly wrong.

Let me tell you something, just once ….. give fear the middle finger and take that step into greatness.

I’m nowhere near perfect, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes but I have a problem with those who cast judgement when they don’t know the full story or they conjure up and spin what they think is the truth to benefit themselves and in doing so it makes them feel better.

Don’t judge someone based on your own ignorance. 

img_5686But for those who have judged me for my past without knowing the full story, or made me feel that I couldn’t be my true self.  I’ll pray for you……ohhhh who am I kidding, fuck you.

*trust me, that’s coming from a place of love*

To the ignorant person who grew up with a silver spoon in her mouth….well let me just say some people aren’t as lucky as others. Some actually have had to learn to survive and pick themselves up rather than have their parents to it for them. Continue to lead the make-believe life you want others to think you live. For you are only hurting yourself and holding your family back from living out their true potential.

For the misinformed sad pathetic fool continue to believe what you want to for your opinions of me hold no weight. Spin the story as much as you’d like but I know the truth and so does he.

I ask those who hold their friends, spouse or family back due to your own issues, please look in the mirror first and own up and face your own truths before you condemn others. Let them live THEIR life. Allow them to shine. Don’t hold them back because of your doubts and fears for those are YOUR own demons that need to be conquered not theirs. Stop projecting your own insecurities onto them.

These are all lessons and truths that I’ve had to learn but owning them is different and so fucking empowering. So many people can’t own their truth and it’s because of the excuses we conjure up inside our own heads. Just humble yourself and own it. Believe me once you do, you will be able to breathe.

Ask yourself this …. why are you allowing the opinions of others (spouse,partner, family) keep you from experiencing your true authentic self? They aren’t walking in your shoes or sharing your body. Remember this is YOUR life so LIVE it. Be YOU. Lastly, if someone doesn’t love you for YOU then why keep them in your life ? What purpose does their negativity play in your life? Open yourself up and allow yourself to shine and once you do the universe will plop you right smack dab where you belong.

Trust me ~ 

You’re fucking worth it!!!

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Weekend in review

30b9b94cbc372d6748d3e41eee07ed7eI’ve realized that although a four day weekend is something some of us look forward to during the holiday season I’m having doubts whether or not I’m a fan. Truthfully when it’s all said and done, it totally throws me off and by Saturday I’m  wishing to go back to work. Maybe I’m just an odd duck who adores her co-workers and the environment.

I hope all of you had a fabulous Thanksgiving and got your fill of turkey, stuffing, all those delicious desserts and captured hilarious family moments on your phone. I, for one took the easy way out this Thanksgiving and had good old Cracker Barrel cater my dinner. Sure I put my extra touch on things but for the most part, I saved myself the hassle of lugging a 20 pound turkey up three flights of stairs along with  bags and bags of food just so I can cook all day and then eat for 20 minutes. Then once my daughter and her boyfriend left, I grabbed a comfy blanket and snuggled up in my chair and watched some good old chick flicks.

I did take part in the Black Friday deals but I wasn’t one of those who stood in line for hours and then acted a fool to get a $50 t.v ….. nope, I walked into the Rush Market at 7:30 found a bookshelf and a painting and twenty minutes later I was back in my car and headed home with my awesome finds and sanity intact. Total WIN for me!!

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of witnessing my daughter tune into her gift and help several people connect with those that have passed on. To see the shocked and befuddled looks on their faces just took me back. “She’s unbelievable, I just can’t …. I need to step outside and process everything that she said.” one man said as he stood in the doorway.

For me to hear the accounts of what took place during their readings was just simply amazing but what came next just warmed my heart. As the couple were leaving they turned to me and thanked me as the woman embraced me.  “I didn’t do anything, but you’re welcome.” I replied.   “You had her” they said in unison and as the headed out the door, the man turned to me and said “Make sure she keeps practicing, she definately has a gift.” I reassured him that she has found her place that will allow her to embrace her gifts and I for one won’t get in her way.

*Mom, Dad ….. I guess I did something right!*

For the most part the last four days have been relaxing and overall peaceful. I took full advantage of the beautiful weather and spent sometime walking the furkids and enjoying the fresh air.

But I did come across a few things this past weekend that were a little disheartening, I’ve become very taken back by some people in the indie book community. A community that for the most part used to stand behind one another and was a joy to be part of but lately I’ve just seen so much childish bullshit that I really want no part of it. I mean you have authors or bloggers stealing from their community by pirating books, or running off with over ten thousand dollars meant for charity,  to groups being overtaken by mean-spirited people. I would like to know when it stopped being about the love for books and supporting one another? Now all I see is a bunch of immature adults acting like grade school children, selfish people with no flipping soul or authors who are just simply playing their fans like little puppets, especially the male authors who love the attention of their female readers. Indulging in flirtatious and sexual conversations yet fail to tell their adoring fans that they are in fact MARRIED but won’t indulge this little important factoid because they fear that they will lose fans.  I guess to each his own, nothing surprises me anymore but truthfully I think it’s down right fucking ridiculous.

I’ve just come to a point in my life where I have no room for drama and made the decision to remove people from my social media feeds if they spew hate.

Hope everyone has a wonderful week!! 

 

 

My latest addiction – Holy Fire Reiki

reiki3Let me first start off by saying that if you haven’t experienced Holy Fire Reiki then I suggest that you click on over to Google, type in Reiki Masters in your area, check their reviews and then call and ask if they have been attuned in Holy Fire Reiki. That’s important! For Holy Fire Reiki is an evolved version of traditional Reiki.

Now if you aren’t familiar with Reiki it is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. There is a wonderful glowing radiance that flows through and around you. Reiki treats the whole person including body, emotions, mind and spirit creating many beneficial effects that include relaxation and feelings of peace, security and well-being.

Many of you know that I spent the last few years or so dialing into spirit and started paying close attention to those gentle nudges from my kick ass guides (spirit guides, guardian angel etc.) and lately those little nudges haven’t been so little. If I put off their nudges or what we call gut instinct, I will be overwhelmed with antsy energy….I won’t be able to think of anything else, until I do as they say. Imagine your child or pesky little sibling constantly tapping you on the shoulder until you acknowledge them….yeah that’s how it feels. I know now that every nudge they give is and has been for my own good.

Heck, if I would have just listened to them a little over five years ago when I was told that I shouldn’t marry the wasband and that he’d break me then I would have saved myself a lot of heartache BUT instead I brushed it off as cold feet.

anyways ……

A little over a month ago I kept getting the sense that I needed to have a Reiki session. I was in serious need to clear my chakras and balance out my energy. I just felt weighted down due to all that was going on in my life but on this particular night it was already late, I had already retired to bed and was about to start a Kundalini yoga meditation when I just started to get fully annoyed, I couldn’t get centered or stop the chatter. I just knew that I had to find a Reiki master. The feeling was almost suffocating….but I knew I had to listen to spirit.

“Do you know what time it is? No one will be open its 7:30 pm” I said out loud.

“How do you know have you tried?” was the gentle answer I received. The energy around me made the hairs on my hairs stand.

“I will call  first thing in the morning.” I said as I repositioned myself and the pillows around me.

“Do it now. Google it.” Yes our guides know about Google…..or at least mine knows. So I did as I was requested to do and the first place that came up showed that it was open and would be closing at 8 pm.

I hurried and called the number and was told that she wouldn’t be able to help me because they were busy moving but she had someone she could suggest and in the next few minutes I had the name and number of a Reiki master. I sent Diane a message in hopes that she could help and guess what she was able to get me in the following day.

Once that appointment was set the overwhelming antsy energy that consumed me lifted and I was able to settle and go to sleep.

My first session was amazing. After being directed through a deep mediation I felt the energy from her hands flow to certain areas on the body. The heat that radiated was astounding and although I was fully aware of my surroundings I began to go someplace else entirely. I was then standing in front of a little girl, that little girl was me at the age of 5. She grabbed my hand and led me to a stream. I knew that this was about self-healing and healing that of my younger self. The emotions were overwhelming and the love pouring out was purely that of a divine entity.  Once the session was over I felt clearer, the weight of the stresses that I had been caring, gone. I was defunked and felt unbelievable.

reiki2I had my second session with Diane two days ago.  Prior to going into the office I sat in my car for a few minutes just to center myself and silently asked for a benevolent experience and that for my guides to be present. I didn’t go in with any expectation but of that of feeling relaxed at the end of it. What transpired was pretty damn cool.  During mediation I set my intention. I wanted to work on not fearing Love, to open myself just to love in the fullest extent, not necessarily “relationship” love. It was around this time I was led by my guide to a clearing and in front of me stood my twin flame and standing next to him was his guide. We were asked to sit and hold one another….just like the picture shown to the left. The connection was palatable. Then our guides wrapped themselves around us in a bear hug kinda way and poured their love into us.  *at this time Diane was standing to the left of me her hands hovering over my heart and almost got knocked off her feet by the energy radiating from that area of my body (she informed me after the session)*    I don’t know how long that lasted but I also kept seeing Ganesha (the Hindu God who is the remover of obstacles) I laughed silently to myself and thanked Ganesha for always coming through for me.  There were other things that transpired during the session that I only found out afterwards one being while I was laying on the table Diane felt as though I was levitating and that at any minute I could just float away….she stated that she had to use a lot of energy just to ground me to the table.

Needless to say I left feeling on top of the world and more connected to all that is around me. Trust me, if you are feeling so overwhelmed or just off kilter find someone who is a Reiki master who was attuned in Holy Fire.  They will work on clearing your blockage and remove any stagnant or foreign energies that have clung to you. Seriously though, meds or alcohol can only chill you out for a brief moment…….THIS, takes you to a whole other level.

and if you are one who is sitting there thinking Reiki is a bunch of silliness well all I have to say is,  before you judge it or me ….try it. Give it a shot. Seriously, what do you have to lose but some bad energy?

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The Grandmothers club ~Members only

7357526ba0977b20bada209b13ecc25dI admit, I’m a bit jealous of three of my girlfriends right now. They are becoming grandma’s like any minute, well one was inducted into the grandma club a couple of weeks ago and the other two will join her in a couple of weeks.  Strike that…while  I was writing this one of my best friends just told me that her daughter is being induced as we speak, so she will be entering the grandmothers club within the next 24 hours.

*Seriously freaking out right now*

I’m over the moon excited!! I’m so tempted to book a flight to Georgia just to keep my bestie company but I know that too many people in the room would probably be overwhelming.

Which brings me to the point of this post, why do in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins, second and third cousins and Billy Joe Bob from the county market think that they should be invited to the birth and that it’s okay to pull up a seat, crack open a beer and watch the blessed event? It’s not the super bowl, Johnny’s basketball finals or little Mary Jo’s ballet recital……it’s a live birth, with the mother’s vag on display.

Sure, I get it…..reality shows love to document the live births of their stars, THANKS Kourtney!  but that’s them. They have the luxury of their make up crew and stylist tucked away in the bathroom and they have an editing department….what you don’t see is what is left on the cutting room floor. What you don’t see is the true reality.

Do you realize that the mother will most likely shit herself while she is in labor? yes, seriously and sometimes not just once.

There’s also a good chance she will let one rip while she pushes. This is the time to just ignore it. Pretend it didn’t happen.

There is a lot going on down yonder that doesn’t resemble what you may have seen on the farm, shits a lot different from Bessie the cow giving birth to her calf. BIG difference, at least Bessie never cursed, well I’m assuming she didn’t …..seeing that I’ve never been in ear shot while a cow was in labor. But the sweet little girl who never cussed in her life will most likely turn into a dirty old sailor before your eyes. So don’t be surprised if you hear her throw out a few F words.

But here’s the thing. If the soon to be mother just wants her husband in the room. Let her. If she just wants her husband and her mother, that’s her prerogative. Don’t make her feel guilty or throw a pity party………it’s her choice. It’s her moment. It’s her vagina. She has the right to choose who she wants in that room. It’s a private moment. Let her have that. You will have plenty of time snuggling up with that little bundle of sweetness soon enough, so chill and relax in the lobby with the rest of the crew.

I sure as hell wouldn’t have wanted a room full of people while I was pushing out an 8 pound baby. Granted, everyone saw everything anyways when a stack  of Polaroids were  shared among the family members in the waiting room. I can’t even begin to tell you how mortified I was when I found out that my grandma, uncles, cousins, mother, father and then some saw everything, and by everything I mean my hoohah expanded with my daughters head emerging from it. Yeah NOT the sight I wanted my family to see, that’s why they were in the waiting room during the blessed event!!

But please stay in the waiting room and if the soon to be mother and father want you to see the blessed event, I’m pretty sure she will be setting up a Facebook live event or Facetiming you all.

 

Until then ladies, keep it classy!

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